The Reminder is making its archives back to 2003 available on our website. Please note that, due to technical limitations, archive articles are presented without the usual formatting.
Reporters learn to be skeptical. No matter how factual something may seem on the surface, we must always peel back the layers in search of greater truth. So even though I personally know and believe in Santa Claus, I had some tough questions for him during a recent interview at his North Pole mansion. * * * REMINDER: Anonymous sources, whom I'll refer to only as "older kids," claim that your existence is some sort of myth cooked up by parents. How do you respond? CLAUS: Hoooo boy. This comes up every year around this time. Just as my energetic little elves are putting the final touches on our inventory, I start hearing mumblings about how I'm supposedly a fairy tale. Well, you can see and talk to me. Don't I look real to you?? REMINDER: How do these malicious allegations affect you personally? CLAUS: I'm a pretty jolly guy most of the time, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt a little bit. I spend hours flying through the chilly winter air, gathering icicles on my beard. It's no picnic. I guess anyone with a job as big as mine is open to criticism, but it's never constructive criticism that I hear. It's always, "Oh, he's not really real, you know." Whatever. REMINDER: But some experts say it's physically impossible for you to deliver gifts to every child in a single night. One figure bandied about suggests you would have to hit 500 homes per second. So how do you do it? CLAUS: Well, first off, I could tell you all kinds of stories about how these same experts [makes quotation marks with fingers] wound up on my naughty list as children, but I won't go there. It's true that I would have to visit 500 homes every second second if I had to go to every house on earth. But what these geniuses [laughs] neglect to mention is that many of those homes have no children. Many others have kids who are on the Naughty List. Others still are abandoned or have "No Trespassing" signs up. Don't get me wrong, it's still not easy, but I get some hot chocolate in me and I manage. But thank goodness it's only once a year. REMINDER: Okay, fair enough, but what about the flying reindeer? Everyone knows reindeer can't fly. CLAUS: On the contrary, my overly inquisitive friend. Most reindeer can't fly. Just like most elves can't build toys. Heck, most bunnies don't have a clue about hiding chocolate eggs. I'm just lucky to have found magic reindeer and highly-skilled elves. REMINDER: All right, you've got me there. Still, there are questions nagging at me. Like how come when I was nine I saw two of you at a shopping mall? CLAUS: Oh please, what kind of newsman are you? Everybody knows that I hire contractors leading up to the big day. I try to make as many personal appearances as possible, but I need help to make sure I hear about every child's Christmas wish. And any child who wants to know whether they're talking to the real deal need only ask. By the way, I recall very vividly seeing you at the shopping mall that day. You asked me whether you were on the Nice List. I said I wasn't sure because of those jellybeans you secretly "sampled" at the grocery store, or the time you... REMINDER: All right, Mr. Claus, sorry to cut this short, but I'm running out of space. * * * So there you have it. My thanks to Mr. Claus for his time. Here's hoping he's good to you this Christmas! Local Angle runs Fridays.
