The Reminder is making its archives back to 2003 available on our website. Please note that, due to technical limitations, archive articles are presented without the usual formatting.
In the reporting business, youÕve always got to be at least a little bit skeptical. So when I landed at Santa ClausÕ North Pole mansion for an exclusive pre-Christmas interview yesterday, I wasnÕt about to hold back the tough questions. * * * REMINDER: LetÕs cut right to the chase. Some of my sources Ð letÕs just call them Òolder kidsÓ Ð are claiming that youÕre not real, that youÕre merely a myth parents tell their little ones. How do you respond? CLAUS: Ho boy, thatÕs an allegation I hear from time to time. ÒOh, you know heÕs not real,Ó theyÕll say. Of all the things someone could be accused of, this has got to be the most bizarre. Let me ask you, how would you respond to that? You can see IÕm real. IÕm sitting here right in front of you. I just shook your hand. One question that these naysayers can never seem to answer is, if IÕm ÒfakeÓ (makes quotation marks with fingers) then where do all those presents under the tree come from? Do they just magically appear? Boy, thatÕs a magic act IÕd sure like to get in on! REMINDER: Fair enough. But there are still some unanswered questions. Like when I was a kid, we didnÕt have a chimney, so how did you get into our house? CLAUS: Ho ho, let me first say that I am tired of all those chimneys. ThereÕs only so many times a man can suffer the indignity of getting stuck and having to be pulled out by the fire department. I know itÕs my fault, though...gotta lay off them Oreos. But back to your question, I just simply use the door. REMINDER: What if itÕs locked? CLAUS: Ho ho, my naive northern friend. Can you imagine how the children of the world would react if parents didnÕt leave the door open for Santa? There would be a global revolt. Parents know that, so in all the years IÕve been doing this, not one ever forgotten to unlock the door or at least send me a key in advance. REMINDER: All right, but how can you possibly visit every home on earth in a single night? CLAUS: Ho my, you need to get your facts straight before you ask such silly questions. I donÕt need to visit EVERY home on earth. A lot of them have no children living inside, and a lot of them have only naughty children. Many others are empty because the people are away visiting family for the holidays. Other houses are abandoned or have ÒNo TrespassingÓ signs up. There are still a lot of homes, I wonÕt deny that. By the end of the night, RudolphÕs nose is pretty dim. As for me, I get a little Double Double in me and IÕm usually good to go. Besides, I only work one night a year. REMINDER: All right. But come on, Santa, flying reindeer? CLAUS: What are you getting at? REMINDER: Everyone knows that reindeer canÕt fly. ItÕs a physical impossibility. CLAUS: Ho ho, oh is it, now? Well thatÕs news to eight reindeer I happen to know. REMINDER: Moving on, how exactly do you know who has been naughty and who has been nice? CLAUS: I have to confess that this is an area where I donÕt have as much inside knowledge as people think. How does the carol go: ÒHe sees you when youÕre sleeping, he knows when youÕre awakeÓ? ThatÕs not really true. Yes, I do do some monitoring of the kids myself, but mostly I rely on parents and paid informants. At the end of the year, IÕm fully confident in the accuracy of the final naughty and nice lists. Ho ho! REMINDER: Can you tell us who has been on the naughty list? CLAUS: Ho ho, funny you should ask. When you called to ask for this interview, I thought your name sounded familiar, and sure enough, there on the 1989 and 1990 naughty lists... REMINDER: Well, look at that, weÕre all out of time. Thank you, Santa Claus, for taking the time for this interview. CLAUS: YouÕre very welcome. A Merry Christmas to Flin Flon! I look forward to being there soon! Ho ho ho! Local Angle runs Fridays.
