The Reminder is making its archives back to 2003 available on our website. Please note that, due to technical limitations, archive articles are presented without the usual formatting.
Any discussion about domestic violence ultimately asks why women that are abused continue to stay in these relationships; why they do not simply leave the abuser and provide themselves with a life free from fear and violence. While it may be hard to imagine, there are many reasons to stay, and to the victim they are all good reasons. Some of the reasons include, but are not limited to: Fear: Threats are used as an effective technique to keep someone in a relationship, which is the goal of the abuser. He may have threatened to kill her, the children and/or himself if she leaves. He may have convinced her that no matter where she goes, he will find her. She also may fear living alone and/or the prospect of trying to support herself and the children. Love: Most victims of domestic abuse do no want to want to end the relationship, they just want to end the abuse. Abusers can be warm and caring at times. She may believe the promises and explanations her partner offers and feel hopeful that things will change. She may believe her love can change her partner's behavior. A victim may have been taught that abuse is normal, or believe that it is a sign of passion or love. Children: Many women stay for the sake of the children. Whether she wants the children to have a good relationship with their father, or she feels guilty for "breaking up" the family, or because of his threats that he will keep the children away from her. Ironically, she often leaves when she realizes that in fact, the children are being adversely affected by living in an abusive atmosphere. Financial Reasons: A victim of domestic abuse may have no financial resources, access to resources or job skills. If she has children, it becomes more difficult to leave without being able to access affordable housing, transportation, etc. Pressures from Family/ Church/ Society: Sometimes, the family may refuse to believe there is abuse in the relationship. Abusers can appear quite charming and likeable to others. A woman may face pressure to "work harder" at the relationship, or be a "better spouse". Sometimes when a woman turns to her church for assistance, she is told she must stay in the marriage, because of her vows. Our society places great importance on couplehood, victims may fear the social stigma of being unattached. Some people actually still believe that women deserve to be abused. Fortunately, all of these attitudes are beginning to change. No Place to Go: By the time a woman decides to leave, her abuser may have succeeded in isolating her from family and friends and she may feel she has nowhere to go. She may be too embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help or access the services of a shelter. She may no trust that others will believe her or help her. There is rarely just one reason people stay in an abusive relationship, rather a combination of factors. Instead of asking why women stay, we at the Women's Resource Centre feel a more important question is why do batterers batter? It takes a lot of strength and intelligence to keep you and your children safe while living in an abusive relationshipÉ you are not aloneÉ if you or someone you know is or has been a victim of abuse and would like to talk about it, please call 681-3105 Monday to Friday from 9 a.m. - 5 p.m. Confidentiality is assured.
