The Reminder is making its archives back to 2003 available on our website. Please note that, due to technical limitations, archive articles are presented without the usual formatting.
This scribbler, being an impatient man, is a firm believer in the Firing Squad Theory of Life. The Firing Squad Theory of Life is that there is nothing in the universe Ñ including Einstein's most arcane fabulations Ñ that cannot be explained in three sentences. The secret, you see, is that you line the expert up before the firing squad Ñ announce Ready, Aim Ñ and then next instruct the expert that we will not instruct Fire! Ñ if the expert explains the question in three sentences. The scribbler plays this game all the time at dinner parties, and you would be amazed Ñ or perhaps not Ñ at how many brainy people can get their explanations down to three sentences. A bullet to the brain produces remarkable results. Question: Why would the new bright and shiny Prime Minister of Canada announce as his finance minister someone who most people in the land had never heard of. One Ralph Goodale from south Saskatchewan? Answer: Simple. Ralph Goodale is the euphonic heir of Herb Gray (fondly known as grey Herb) who as J. Chretien's deputy prime minister could bafflegab in Question Period until the sun went down. Mister Martin is so smart as to elevate Herb's heir in the Question Period Ð that never has an any answers Ð a chap who can take the vocabulary to new levels of incomprehensibility. His gobbledegook will put the nation, not to mention the Press Gallery, to sleep. The new finance minister will be P. Martin. Q: Why has the Ottawa press not asked why Anne McLellan is the first deputy prime minister of Canada who prefers shacking-up to marriage? I once asked her, since she has lived with an Edmonton law professor for a decade or so, why they never made it legal. "I guess we just never got around to it," she explained. A: Is the Ottawa Press Gallery too lazy, or is too politically correct to enquire? The public, which decides everything, will make up its own mind, considering this is 2003. Q: Why is it that Canada, with 31 million bodies, has the revolutionary-change Paul Martin appointing 39 cabinet ministers (same as his hated predecessor) plus 26 parliamentary secretaries elevated to cabinet rank? While the United States, at 280 million population, has 15 ministers in George Bush's cabinet? A: Beats me. Q: What is going to be the most interesting riding battle in the nation when P. Martin calls his April election Ñ trying of course to catch the confused new Regressive Conservatives with no real plan or resources or organizations from ocean to ocean? See 'Quote' P.# Con't from P.# A: It will be in Toronto's Danforth enclave Ñ home of all the best Greek restaurants Ñ when fresh NDP leader Jack Layton goes up against the flashy Liberal backbencher Dennis Mills who, to his vast disappointment, did not make it into the Martin cabinet. They are equal egomaniacs. The riding is where Layton made his reputation as the member for Queen's Park in Toronto. The riding is where Mills Ñ knowing the threat was coming Ñ tried to cement his base by arranging the glitzy arrival of Mick Jagger to a Toronto festival supposedly erasing the SARS blight Ñ and the Rolling Stones billing for only $1 million for the gig. The contest will be interesting. Two showboaters in a showdown. Layton's problem nationally, is that he's from Toronto. If Jesus Christ was elected as leader of the NDP and was from Toronto, he would be crucified in the Prairies, where the party was born, and still lives. Q: Who will be elected as President of the Excited States of America in November, 2004? A. Dubya Bush. X x x QUOTE OF THE YEAR England's Plain English Campaign has an annual Foot In Mouth Award. It has given its 2003 nod to the most baffling statement made by a public figure. It goes to U.S. Defence Minister Donald Rumsfeld. When asked about reports that there were no known links between Al-Qa'ida and Iraq, he said, "Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns, there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns, that is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns Ñ the ones we don't know we don't know." Seems clear to me.
