The Reminder is making its archives back to 2003 available on our website. Please note that, due to technical limitations, archive articles are presented without the usual formatting.
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, ÒWhy are all the blinds drawn?Ó The doctor answered, ÒThereÕs a big fire across the street, and we didnÕt want you to think the operation was a failure.Ó * * * A banker, an engineer and a lawyer were driving down a road when suddenly, their car broke down. Seeing a farmhouse near by, they decided to stop by and ask if they could sleep overnight while their car was being repaired. ÒSureÓ, replied the farmer, Òbut I only have two spare beds Ð one of you will have to sleep in the barn.Ó The engineer decided that he would sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the bedroom door. ÒI canÕt sleep in the barn Ð there is a cow in the barn and I am Hindu.Ó So, the banker agreed to sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door: ÒI canÕt sleep in the barn Ð there is a pig in the barn, and I am Jewish.Ó The lawyer said, ÒI know what youÕre up to, but IÕll goÓ, and so the lawyer went out the barn. Sure enough, 10 minutes later, there was a knock at the door Ð the cow and the pig. * * * ÒYou are a cheat!Ó shouted the attorney to his opponent. ÒAnd youÕre a liar!Ó bellowed the opposition. Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, ÒNow that both attorneys have been identified for the record, letÕs get on with the case.Ó * * * Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were. ÒFifty dollars for three questions,Ó the lawyer stated. ÒIsnÕt that awfully expensive?Ó the man asked?Ó ÒYes,Ó replied the lawyer. ÒWhatÕs your third question?Ó * * * The defence attorney calmly told his client, ÒI have good news and bad news.Ó ÒFirst the bad news,Ó he continued. ÒThe blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.Ó ÒOh, no!Ó cried the client. ÒWhatÕs the good news?Ó ÒYour cholesterol is down to 140.Ó * * * Some signs that your airline is cutting costs: During the flight they hit you with additional $200 Òlanding chargeÓ... ItÕs day four of your honeymoon and youÕre still on the tarmac... When you arrive, Hawaii looks suspiciously like Winnipeg... The inflatable vest is replaced with smaller inflatable bow ties... The plane canÕt take off until you lose 20 pounds... The in-flight entertainment is watching two fat guys fight for an armrest... The flight attendants are wearing clothes you packed... During the captainÕs preflight checklist, you hear him say, Òclose enoughÓ... * * * Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician always had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it disappeared! The parrot said, ÒItÕs in his pocket, itÕs in his pocketÓ. The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away. The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, ÒItÕs up his sleeve! ItÕs up his sleeve!Ó The magician got mad because he couldnÕt keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away. One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about three months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked: ÒOk, I give up! WhereÕd you hide the ship?Ó * * * Some signs you have a bad bank: The teller asks, ÒHow may I swindle you?Ó... Instead of Sir Wilfrid Laurier, their $5 bills have a portrait of Wilford Brimley... They promise theyÕll have your money if you come back after tonightÕs Keno drawing... The interest is paid not in money, but in Pringles... The ATM looks suspiciously like a Ms. Pac-Man machine... The loan officer will approve your mortgage only if you let him rub your feet... Bank robbers leave with a sack of IOUs... * * * An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. ÒAll set back here, Captain,Ó came the reply, Òexcept for the lawyer who is still passing out business cards.Ó * * * What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. * * * Some signs your monkey needs a bath: Even his fleas have fleas... HeÕs sweating right through his adorable monkey sailor suit... Your daily horoscope reads, ÒToday is a great day to wash your monkeyÓ... he tries to cover up odour by wearing too much monkey aftershave... Your townÕs sign reads ÒHome of the Rancid Baboon StenchÓ... You purchase so much Lysol, they put you on the board of directors... A threatening note thrown through your window is tied to a banana... HeÕs been offered the cover of next monthÕs ÒSmelly Monkey MagazineÓ... Very Funny! runs Fridays.
