The Reminder is making its archives back to 2003 available on our website. Please note that, due to technical limitations, archive articles are presented without the usual formatting.
This week itÕs all about funny quotes, starting with these memorable ones from former columnist Dave Barry: Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today itÕs open to anybody who owns hideous clothing... If you were to open up a babyÕs head Ð and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should Ð you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland... Camping is natureÕs way of promoting the motel business... Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear... Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling... ÔEscargotÕ is French for Ôfat crawling bag of phlegmÕ... For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball... Guys are simple; women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically... I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer... I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford... I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories... If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry... If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ÔmeetingsÕ... Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down... It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent... It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another personÕs plate... Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face... The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates... The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers... The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs... To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent... We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth... What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers... You can only be young once. But you can always be immature... Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro... * * * And from Conan OÕBrien come these remarks: Apparently Arnold (Schwarzenegger) was inspired (to enter politics) by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language... Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly... In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumbersÕ union... Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isnÕt eligible for another fifteen years... A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ÔDuhÕ... Very Funny! runs Fridays.
